This is going to sound a bit nutty, read it anyways. It's a no-nonsense look into my thought process and how I landed in one of the best things I've done for myself this year.
It occurred to me recently that I am not happy a whole lot. I check in with myself about my happiness pretty regularly. I actually take a step back and ask myself ‘Jazmine, are you happy?’ Most of the time the answer is yeah, pretty much. I mostly ask myself this question when I am in the middle of something that ticks off my spidey sense that something is off – I yelled at someone, am unreasonably grumpy, or I have extra eye rolls in my day and it makes me check in with myself… 'Jazmine, are you happy?' Lately, I haven’t been able to say that I am happy and it’s been bothering me. What in the world do I have to be unhappy about? Nothing is wrong. Things are actually going better for me than ever, I am moving faster and climbing higher, so wtf is the problemo?! I drove myself crazy for a few weeks obsessing and over analyzing trying to sort it all out. I stumbled upon an article on Forbes about the link between super-successful people and depression (the study mentioned in the article is an interesting look into authority, depression, and gender – if you’re into that, check it out).
"A smattering of research has suggested that authority may be linked to depression, and that CEOs may be depressed at more than double the rate of the general public (which is already about 20%).”
Now, I am by no means super successful (yet), but what struck me about the article is that personality types that strive for extreme levels of success (me) are often depressed. The article lists a number of reasons to attribute it to. The thing I took away from this is there are people who “have everything” and aren’t happy. By "have everything", I don’t simply mean physical assets and financial means. I am including, friends, family, a tribe, love, support, all that. That article links to another article about how to manage depression. So Forbes, gives a problem and a solution. I do love me some Forbes <3, but I digress.
The first thing that caught me in the article on managing depression was therapy. I cringed a little thinking of all the times as a child my mom made me go to therapy; I hated it, but it worked. I looped ‘but it worked, I hated it, but it worked, I hated it’ in my head for a while, closed the article and moved on with my day. Later that day, tucked into bed, it popped back into my mind and I thought about how Bobby Axelrod on Billions keeps a therapist on staff for him and his company. Maybe there is something to this therapy idea – yes, I just considered an idea valid because a fictional character does it (fake it 'til you make it).
I decided to give it a shot – why not? It’s been one of the best self care steps I have ever taken. I can’t say that I have uncovered any deep meaningful answers for life that I had missed or that I know anything new about myself or that I’ve had a “breakthrough". But, I can say that I feel better. I have 45 minutes of whatever I want to talk about whenever I want it. I give myself permission to cry there, to be open there, to say things I usually don’t say aloud there. And that is most of my therapy, me saying things I usually don’t say, asking her if she thinks I am a crazy person, some tears, and a lot of being honest about how I feel. Then I go home. Not as a whole new person, as the same person feeling a little more accepted by the world and a lot lighter.