My Sexuality is my own

“I know you had fun in college, but I don’t really want to hear about it,” he firmly stated.

“That’s fair,” I replied, “but, I want you to know that there is no part of me that is ashamed of that.”  

“Sometimes it bothers me,” he said.  

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way,” I counteracted. “You have to realize, though, that you’ve never had a legit single life like I have. I’m a human and enjoy and need sex like every other human, relationship or not.”  

“I know, I get it,” he said. “I just don’t like knowing details about it.”  

I smiled, “I completely understand, my love.”

This past Thursday evening, a glass of wine and a can of beer later, my fiancé and I had a discussion around the stigmatic expectations around women’s sexuality. Let’s take a look at that word, “expectations”. Everyone profiles and assumes characteristics, whether wrong or right, based on an individual’s dress or speech or what have you. I’m not saying that’s good, but I am saying it’s realistic. The issue around this occurs when we “expect” a person to act or behave a certain way, and we get upset when they don’t. I know when my fiancé and I first met, we both created an idea of who we thought the other was based on our initial instincts and impressions of each other. One or two of those assumed traits were bound to be mistaken. For instance, he was a little surprised to find out about my history of sexual partners.  

Women are often looked down upon for carrying out a lifestyle that men freely practice without the bat of society’s eye. A single woman is expected to remain celibate, while a male is condoned, even praised by his peers, for leading a sexually active lifestyle... Heard that one before? My fiancé and I came across a similar, but less talked about stigma around women’s sexuality during our discussion. It’s the fact that many men want a partner who is impressive in bed, but the idea of her having a sex life outside of their relationship in the past? Scandalous.

Question: How does it make sense to expect a woman to be celibate when she’s single, but a freak in bed when she’s dating you?

Women don’t have an on switch where we download moves into our boyfriend only database. Most of us gained our sexual prowess, preferences, and kinks from experience. Not only is there nothing shameful about that, but you should also be proud of being with a self-aware woman who knows what she wants.  

Women deserve to embrace their sexuality as little or as much as they desire.

If a woman is waiting until marriage to share that connection with her lifelong partner, don’t expect her to change her moral ground for your personal pleasure. If a woman is phenomenal in bed, don’t expect that she waited all her life for this moment with you. A woman’s sexuality is her own.  

Your sexuality is your own. It belongs to you and no one else. No matter your gender, we all deserve to explore and discover what brings us pleasure. The harder part of this truth is not judging the preferences of others, whether they are more conservative or more fluid than our own.  

My fiancé and I finished our drinks with a better understanding of the needs of different people and their personalities.   In some cases, needs are based on internal instincts; many people have trouble in committed relationships because of their intense desires outside of that one person. In other cases, needs are based on experiences; I’ve had multiple lengthy time spans of being happily single where my desires still wanted to be met, while my fiancé hasn’t been single for more than a few months since he was 13 years old.

Before you judge another person for their sexual activity, put things in perspective. Then, still don’t judge them. Their sexuality is not for your fulfillment or your personal beliefs. It’s for their happiness, and their happiness alone.