The 5 Guys you Find on Tinder

Warning: This is going to sound bitchy, it's meant to. I am just about disappointed to death with dating.

Are you single and looking to waste more time on dating faster? Check out an online dating app like Tinder or Bumble.   With just the swipe of your finger, you can immediately judge people based on their looks alone. And the 5% of your matches who actually speak to you can disappoint you in the messenger or if you get lucky, in person. Because, even though they are on an app to build relationships, they are not actually looking to build a relationship.

The emotionally unavailable guy

This guy doesn't want a relationship or random hook-ups but, for some odd reason, is on a dating app. That makes total sense, right?! This is the guy who will chase you, take you on legit dates, listen to you, work to embed himself into your life, and when you start to want to be with him, he will drop you after a series of emotionally taxing conversations about how damaged and emotionally closed he is. The kicker is, not only did he fake a relationship with you, when he drops you, he will fight to keep your 'not relationship' alive while telling you that it isn't a relationship. This one is quite the mind fuck.

The 'I am too good for this, but here I am' guy

His profile is all about how he only did this because his friends, mom, grandma, etc. made him join, and he is convinced it will not work for him. He probably even throws in a line about how you can lie about where you met to really sell how uninterested he is.

Chances are if you are 30 or older, you didn't grow up thinking you would meet your soul mate on a swipe-based mobile application. But here we all are, swiping away. Stop acting like you're too good for it buddy, we are all in the same disappointment filled boat.

The fitness guy

#GymSelfies, #fitfam, #CrossFit, #protein #DoYouEvenLiftBro - I steer clear of these guys all together. These guys need a #fitgirl, and I will be damned if I spend my Saturdays at the gym. I do look at their gym selfies, though. Damn, CrossFit makes sexy bodies.

The CEO guy

When I lived in Scottsdale, AZ, my Tinder was full of "Personal Trainers". Meaning: I work out, have an LLC and spend my days as an Enrollment Counselor at the University of Phoenix. In New York, my dating apps are filled with CEOs. Some of these are real CEOs (I pray), but mostly this is code for 'I have a side hustle' which is pretty much assumed in New York since everyone has some sort of side hustle in the works.   If you cannot support your lifestyle with it, is it really an occupation or is it a hobby? Technically, I am a CEO as well: I executive manage my blog like a boss! I don't list CEO as my occupation because until writing pays my bills, it's a hobby. A hobby I am passionate about, but still a hobby.

I want to fuck and/or I have a weird fetish and I don't want my mom to know about guy

This guy is annoying if you aren't DTF. But, shit, at least he is being honest about what he wants. When people are upfront about what they are looking for, you can decide if it's for you or not. There is no shame in some casual hook-ups while you wait for Mr. Right to make his grand entrance.  

There are, of course, more types, like the 20-something drunk guy, the I make lots of money guy, the traveler looking for a tour guide, the couple looking for a playmate, the list goes on. The gods willing, there might even be a guy who is actually a good fit for you.  

A Few Other Tips I’ve Picked up Along the Way  

If he has to schedule meeting you around pick ups and drop offs he can't explain, he doesn't work for Girl Scouts, sweetie; he sells drugs.  

If he uses the words sexy, hot or describes you in terms similar to 'I am crazy attracted to you' before he even meets you, that's lust, and it is challenging to get anything genuine from a man filled with lust for you.  

If he can't plan a date or leaves it up to you to figure out, move along, he ain't ready, and you don't have time for that.  

If he warns you about being damaged or emotionally unavailable, believe him.  

If he blows you off or disappears, let it go. If he returns and you take him back, understand that whatever pulled him away the first time will inevitably pull him away again.  

And most importantly, keep your head up, it’s hard out there, but there has to be someone in the world looking for you.